Friday, August 29, 2014

Dear Daughter (8/29/14)

Dear Daughter,

Thank you. You are the greatest first child anyone could ever ask for. We have laughed together, cried together, failed, succeeded, and just been rock stars together. I love every little detail about you. I love your little giggle when I tuck your toes back into your swaddle before you go to sleep. I love when I wake you up the first thing you ask is where Daddy is.

You are a wonderful older sister. When we first brought your brother home I was so worried for you. You put yourself into a shell, clearly feeling betrayed that you were no longer our entire world. How could we have done that to you? The pain in your eyes was unbearable some days. I felt like I had made a huge mistake, and like I had broken you. But that was all temporary, and I often feel guilty looking back that I doubted you. You have grown into the part splendidly. You have broken out of your shell and you love your brother deeply. Someday you two will have so much fun together.

You are still everything to me. My life would be so incomplete without you, and you bring joy to every day I spend with you. You are the sweetest and most gentle firecracker I have ever met in my life. I'm so happy I was blessed to have you as my baby, and I get to spend the rest of my life watching you grow.

Mommy loves you so much.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Dear Son (8/27/14)

Dear Son,

You're just a touch over five months today. Your eyes captivate me, and your laugh motivates me. You are a beautiful, beautiful person, and I can't wait to get to know you better. I think about you all the time, while you're awake and while you're sleeping.

Sometimes feel like I have failed you because I didn't give birth to you the way I wish I had. I read articles every day about the benefits of natural birth, and how cesareans are terrible for your children and your health. I constantly wonder if you will grow up and have children of your own someday and wish I did things differently. I hope you know I fought for you, and I tried very hard to give you the birth you deserve.

You have given me such solace. The day I met you I was in such a dark place, and you were the light I needed to see at the end of the tunnel. I prayed and fought, and cried, and felt defeated, but you were healthy and I had succeeded. I realized that day that it was necessary. I had to let go of the idea that I was a failure. There was no such thing as a failure when I looked into your eyes. You were this perfect and complete being that I had grown and loved inside of me. It was so hard for me to give up and agree to have you surgically removed from my womb, but it had to be done to keep you alive.

I felt stronger when I met you. I felt like a winner. I never thought that a repeat cesarean would give me as much closure and healing as it did. Thank you so much for being everything I needed. Without even knowing it, you have completed my life.

Mommy loves you so much.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Let It Go

I really don't understand why this is, but I've noticed a lot recently that as mothers, we beat ourselves up a lot. Our children are going to grow up someday, and we didn't adequately enjoy their time as babies. We spent a bunch of money on a camera, and only used it twice in the last year. We started a blog and don't think any of our posts are good enough to post.

So I'm going to start here with letting things go. It's okay to blog even if I'm not the greatest of all time ever. Every single post doesn't have to be the most eloquent writing of my time. It's okay to be annoyed at my children, and it's okay to take terrible pictures on my expensive camera.

A reader friend messaged me this morning telling me basically all of this. I need to stop beating myself up. A blog is a blog, who am I doing it for but me?

Thanks for the ear (err . . . eye?) I look forward to writing again soon. <3 

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