Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Dear Son (8/27/14)

Dear Son,

You're just a touch over five months today. Your eyes captivate me, and your laugh motivates me. You are a beautiful, beautiful person, and I can't wait to get to know you better. I think about you all the time, while you're awake and while you're sleeping.

Sometimes feel like I have failed you because I didn't give birth to you the way I wish I had. I read articles every day about the benefits of natural birth, and how cesareans are terrible for your children and your health. I constantly wonder if you will grow up and have children of your own someday and wish I did things differently. I hope you know I fought for you, and I tried very hard to give you the birth you deserve.

You have given me such solace. The day I met you I was in such a dark place, and you were the light I needed to see at the end of the tunnel. I prayed and fought, and cried, and felt defeated, but you were healthy and I had succeeded. I realized that day that it was necessary. I had to let go of the idea that I was a failure. There was no such thing as a failure when I looked into your eyes. You were this perfect and complete being that I had grown and loved inside of me. It was so hard for me to give up and agree to have you surgically removed from my womb, but it had to be done to keep you alive.

I felt stronger when I met you. I felt like a winner. I never thought that a repeat cesarean would give me as much closure and healing as it did. Thank you so much for being everything I needed. Without even knowing it, you have completed my life.

Mommy loves you so much.


10 comments:

  1. I know how you feel, the same thing happened to me when I had my daughter. For a while it was so important for me to have a VBAC to feel like I wasn't a failure but what made me a winner was the fact that I had a beautiful amazing baby at the end of it, no matter what way the baby came out.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's crazy how much we change as we get to know our babies. I harbored so much resentment towards myself for "giving in" to have a cesarean with my daughter, and I just hated myself. I would feel so terrible if my daughter ever felt this way after giving birth to her future children. I'm glad I have finally gotten past it.

      Go us!

      Delete
  2. I had to have a c-section when my son's heart rate started dropping and I was devastated. I then had two more because my doctor didn't perform VBACs due to the risks involved. It took me a long time to get over giving up my dream of an 'ideal' birth, but in the end, all that matters is that I have three healthy children.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Beautifully written. I'm so glad you got a healing birth even if it wasn't the one you'd hoped for.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is a wonderfully written message that your baby will love reading when he's older. Children learn about love from those who show love to them and you're a great mom example.

    ReplyDelete