Sunday, August 23, 2015

When A Stranger Says Your Kids Ruined Her Night


Recently, I took my sweet little family out to eat with our best friends and their daughter, who is our daughter's best friend. We went to a noisy little Mexican restaurant with an open floor plan. My son, Joshua, was yelling happily for the majority of the time. Because he's 1. For the most part, it wasn't that bad. I was surrounded by tables with children at them, how could anyone single out my kid's happy chirps, when I couldn't even hear my daughter trying to talk to me from the other side of the table?




We were having a nice time catching up and being out of the house. Then, at the end of our meal, a happy looking woman who looked to be in her 50s approached me at my table. In the middle of this loud restaurant. She had a crooked smile on her face and I could see her clutching her purse tight while she rushed over to me, apparently to tell me something vitally important. She started off by saying "excuse me, I just had to tell you . . ." and I put on my best grin, while I waited for what normally comes next. "your son has the most beautiful eyes" or "I'm glad to see families getting out to spend time together, yours is beautiful!" if not one of those, it's usually some other compliment about my young family and how I should appreciate the wonderful little moments with them. Not today, friends. Not this lady. My smile was quickly wiped away when she proceeded to tell me how miserable her dinner was because of my family. "Your son has ruined my dinner" she said. "You need to keep your children home until they can learn to be silent". Silent. I was mortified. She felt like she was giving me great advice. "Practice at home before you bring them out around all these people who are trying to have a nice dinner". She kept going, and then when she felt she had said enough to me, the mother of two toddlers, I thanked her and she left. She waddled away clutching her purse tightly, feeling good about herself. I thanked the woman who just tore me apart.

At this point in our meal, I had struggled to keep all the toys on the table for all the babies to play with, I got up several times to get things off the floor and put them back in my child's hands. When she came up to me, I had taken around four bites off my own plate total and we had our food for over twenty minutes. I kept the same maniacal smile on my face (did this really happen?!) until she finished telling me that I ruined her day. It was probably pitiful to watch. 


This woman saw my children for twenty minutes, and decided that I should be ashamed of myself for bringing them into public. She believed I needed to keep them home and "teach them to be silent". I was crushed. I was publicly and maliciously torn apart by someone who didn't know me, didn't know my children, but assumed she did. She assumed that they are always "bad" by her standards. She thinks that her right to a quiet meal on a Friday night, at a busy and loud restaurant is important enough to damage someone deeply. I'm a mom. I spend time every day thinking I am a terrible mother, like most parents in my generation do. But this woman thought it was her right to come up to me with a smile on her face and say these terrible things to me, about me, in front of my children. This woman's cruelty has shaken me to the core. 

It has taken me over a month to truly feel better about the situation. It hurts to hear someone tell you all of your fears are true. You're a terrible parent, your kids will never fit into society, and you're a piece of garbage. But none of those things are true. Logically, I am aware she was having a bad day. I know I can't make everyone happy. I know everyone does not love children. One bitter woman's misery is not my responsibility.

This situation has changed me. I will never give a mother a dirty look for having a crying baby. I will never tell someone they need to teach their child manners, or they should stay home. The next time I see a parent struggling, I will ask them if there is any way I can help. Or I won't say anything at all. 


It is NEVER okay to tell a parent they are doing a bad job. 

You're a stranger to them, you don't know them. Your words are heavy, choose them wisely. Choose kindness. Every family deserves a night out. Don't take that away from someone. 









11 comments:

  1. Oh man, I just want to give you a big hug. I have so been there. I never try to take my kids anywhere that wouldn't be kid friendly yet sometimes people still assume that kids should be silent even in those places. People are just so disrespectful to parents sometimes. It really isn't fair. *hugs*

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  2. I can definitely understand your situation, both from your point of view and from the stranger. I would of been so shocked because of that...I agree with you, they don't have a right to say you're doing a 'bad' job.

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  3. Wow, Beth, I'm so sorry you went through that! I agree that there's never OK to tell a parent that they're doing a bad job. NEVER. That's just wrong and that woman is the one who should be ashamed of herself. Stay strong! xx

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  4. Wow! I can't believe she had the nerve to come up to you and say that. Her words would have crushed me too. I'm so sorry that happened to you. *hugs*

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  5. As mothers, we need to choose to empower each other! That woman has some nerve, and I'm going to guess that she never had a toddler of her own (or she'd know what it's like...)

    Toddlers will be toddlers, and you are a great mom for taking them out, despite knowing that they will be difficult. Every time I hear a story like this, I am more committed to saying something NICE every time I see a mom struggling with a toddler...

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  6. Beth, I'm so sorry. I can empathize with you after my last trip to Connecticut. At our hotel, my family and brother's were scolded by older women and another mom. I wasn't verbally attacked like you, but I understand how these judgments can shake you to your core. It amazes me that these experiences are coming from OTHER WOMEN AND MOTHERS. I'm happy to hear you're feeling better about it. Let's continue the fight to support each other. Keep on truckin'...

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  7. Only you can give someone the permission to let someone make you feel awful. As a mother, I can also empathize. We have all been made to feel, at one time or another, like less than a parent. I always wonder about people like that...she must feel just atrocious about herself.

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  8. What is wrong with people? What a rude judgey woman! I'm so sorry that she did that.

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  9. That was difficult to read. I remember when my daughters were young. My husband was attached to a submarine and away A LOT. My parents always wanted to take my daughters and I out to dinner, but it was just too much for me. I'd opt to go the Chuck-e-Cheese route (because they served wine!) unless my husband was in town. In restaurants I insisted my children use "inside voices" and remain at the table, which often involved my total attention to them instead of to the adult conversation. It was a few years before I could truly enjoy our dinners out as a family. What the woman said sounds mean. In her 50's she is far from "old" and should have a vivid recollection of raising small children (if she even had any). (And she shouldn't be "waddling"! Ha!) Who knows what her personal situation was. I'm glad you kept the smile on your face while she was talking to you. Keep taking your kids out. Unfortunately, with young children a meal at a restaurant is often a "teaching moment," instead of the relaxing social event us adults remember from our pre-parenthood days. It's an opportunity to teach our children how to behave in a restaurant -- inside voices, don't leave the table, etc. Don't worry, it'll all come together. My daughters are now in their 20's. Know this -- people sticking their noses into your business and critiquing your parenting style continues through high school. And families with children who appear to be so perfect and well-adjusted often have a bunch of ugly crap going on in the privacy of their own homes. Either that, or the parents are completely oblivious to what their children are up to! Parenting is a tough job on its own. Then you add the fact that others feel it is their privilege to evaluate what you're doing . . . Just continue to do what you feel is right for your family.

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  10. It is just unreal that people can say anything they want & be hurtful. My son & daughter in law were having a problem with my little grandson just screaming....he was happy & wanted everyone to know. They stopped taking him until he got over that stage. Go out & enjoy-you deserve it!

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  11. Wow!I am so sorry you had to go through that!If she wanted a quiet dinner then she should've stayed home.I don't know why people think it's ok to walk up to someone and tell them something like that,kids will be kids.I don't know what i would've done in that situation,but you handled it very well.I'm glad you are feeling better about it.Just go out and have a good time with your family and friends

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