When my child triggers my anxiety, I don’t know how to manage my mommy rage. Maybe you feel the same? I noticed my anxiety caused so much anger. Below you’ll find tips for managing your mommy rage.
“Eat your food, or you will starve. I DON’T CARE.”
Tears begin to stream down his face, and anger rises in mine. Screaming at my children first thing in the morning isn’t exactly how I was hoping to start my day.
I cooked his favorite breakfast for him, and instead of eating, he saw his plate and flopped onto the floor and began sobbing.
This is the second breakfast I made for my little dude this morning and the second meal he’s straight up refused.
It’s not even 7am, and I’m done.
Maybe you’ve gotten in arguments you later regret because your ungrateful children just refuse to even try their food.
Who are these children?
Who is this person inside of me screaming at my children?
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Managing Mommy Rage
I am so angry. You’re so angry. Our kids are so angry.
Why should we care?
We don’t really want our children to remember us as always being angry.
Or be known as the angry mom.
Moreso, I want my child to grow up and still like me when they’re done being assholes in my house.
Why are we doing all this hard work of child-rearing if we can’t even enjoy it when they’re out of that crazy teenager phase?
Why Do I Have So Much Rage?
Anxiety often shows up in our lives as anger, and so often as moms we don’t have control over our situations and kids are unpredictable.
As a mom with anxiety, you’ll see it present as anger in certain situations. It’s important to understand what they are so you can recognize and avoid being triggered by it.
The most common triggers of anger in moms:
Depleted Mom Syndrome
Your cup is always empty. You’re out of energy to deal with children often.
When I decided it was time to do the research to put together this post, I was at the end of my rope every day before 7am.
I realized I can’t get up after the children wake up and expect to have any sanity.
Even when my husband–who is wonderful, my rock, and so completely level headed–was home to help alleviate the stress . . . I still couldn’t control my anger.
Sound familiar? You aren’t even out of bed yet, and your cup is already empty.
When you’re pouring from an empty cup what you’re giving is not a gift. No one wants that.
What Can You Do?
Make a list of 20 things that can cheer you up right now.
My list is usually things like “being alone for an hour”, “painting” or “taking an epsom salt bath”.
Once I write out my twenty things, I do three. Right now! If you wait until you feel up to doing them, you’ll never get them done.
My Child Triggers My Anxiety
This is so huge with mental health.
Oftentimes, I take my child’s disobedience personally.
I can’t be the only one.
Take a second when you’re feeling your anger rise and ask yourself “am I only angry because they didn’t do what I asked?”
They’re people too. I don’t do everything ANYONE asks.
Leading by fear rarely gets the results we want.
I don’t want my children to be afraid of my angry outbursts.
When is the last time you made a good decision based on fear?
I can confidently say I never have.
Related: Why Every Mom Needs a Daily Planner
Consistency with expectations is a thousand times more effective than leading through fear.
I want to dig into some of the reasons why our children trigger our anxiety, the most common reasons are:
I Have Unrealistic Expectations
It’s great to think our kids are always going to listen to us, or that’s something we could ever achieve.
But they’re tiny humans, with thoughts and feelings and desires, just like us.
Do you do everything you’re ever asked to do, willingly, without question? I haven’t. And I don’t want to expect my daughter, who I want to be independent and a leader when she grows up to follow everything I say blindly.
But on the other side of that coin, I do want her to at least try to listen. For my sanity.
You can’t expect your household to have a great attitude all day when you’re angry, or when you’re blind with anxious rage.
This one is hard for me to accept.
I fight with it, and my children so much.
How can they KNOW my expectations, and do what they want anyway? It’s like the ultimate betrayal.
My husband is very level headed, so I have learned when he is calm and not worried about them doing certain things, maybe I should take the cue and relax that expectation.
I’ve Slipped in Consistency With My Children
This happens so much with me.
I get comfortable with how well my children are behaving– or more often I get overwhelmed enough I stop caring, and I let some things go.
If they don’t want to eat their dinner, I tell them that’s fine.
If I ask them to do something and they don’t do it, I do it for them, or get up and walk away.
This is the root of all my problems with my children.
Being inconsistent, and letting things go “this time” or “because they’re being so good” leads to children who don’t understand where the line is, and they’ll keep pushing until they find that line.
When this happens to us, we make sure we know our core ruleset, and we stick to it.
Be as strict as you can for a few weeks, and then you’ll see the difference.
They’ll stop turning into floppy piles of mush when you put dinner on the table every night and begin to look like normal civilized children again.
Hey, a girl can dream.
Children. Are. Exhausting.
Are you getting enough sleep?
If this is your case, go someplace where they can go crazy and you can sit. Like a playground, or put a movie on.
Because girl, it’s okay to let the TV babysit your kids when you’re burnt out.
PBS Kids is educational, so it’s basically like sending them to school.
I’m Being Too Proud
Remember when I made breakfast for my son, and then screamed at him for not eating it?
I make the GREATEST breakfasts of all time, I have no idea why he would insult me so much and NOT eat it. HE ASKED FOR IT.
Not as quickly as I would have liked, I realized I needed to step back and re-evaluate.
I got down to his level, look him right in his eyes, and I said: “I’m sorry”.
Because I was wrong.
Who is the adult? I am, and I’m acting like an asshole.
No wonder he didn’t want to eat the food I made.
No wonder he screamed and flopped around on the floor.
I was there showing him how to be an asshole.
How can we expect our children to listen and talk nicely when we talk to them like they’re an inconvenience?
Don’t Be An Angry Mom
Well, that’s easy. I’ll just do that.
Here are some tips for you, because if you’re like me, you need a solid plan before you can make a change.
How to Be a Less Anxious, Less Angry Mom:
Manage Your Expectations
Children learn how to manage their emotions from their parents. It’s unrealistic to expect they can be on this earth for a short amount of time and have complete control over their emotions.
Let’s be real, I don’t even have control over my emotions.
I still flip out on SO MANY occasions.
Be Their Teacher
You know when your middle child flops around on the floor and sobs, and you have no idea why?
That’s how your children feel when you fly off the handle at them.
Use your words, Mommy.
They can’t read your mind. They don’t just know why you can’t rub food all over their hair, or color the walls with a permanent marker. Tell them. Teach them.
Manage Your Time Wisely
Children are notoriously slow.
No matter what you do, those little sloths are going to go at the slowest speed possible. Especially when we are running late.
Your time management is much more important here than their skills.
They will always be slow, you are in control of getting them from point A to point B, if they always take ten minutes to get into the car, allot ten minutes of time to put them in the car in the morning before you need to leave.
Not sure how long they take? Time yourself to see.
Is Positive Parenting Possible When I’m So Angry?
When you’re always angry, and always at the end of your rope, you might think this is it. You’re an angry mom. Nothing to do about it.
But there is.
Accept Where You Are In Your Journey with Anger
It’s okay to be angry.
You have to start where you are, and if you’re reading this, you’re probably currently pissed off.
You have to accept where you are and understand what that means for your family.
Right now, I have a problem with yelling. I don’t like yelling, or how it makes me feel and how it makes my children behave.
Like the little mirrors they are, they have begun screaming at each other at the drop of a hat.
This is my fault.
The reason they’re acting like this is a direct result of the way I act towards them.
I am at a place in my life where I need to change because I don’t like where I am right now.
Accept Where They Are In Life
Homework drives me nuts.
My middle child is in kindergarten and gets one hour of homework a week. He is fully capable of doing all of it.
We split it up over the week, and he spends about fifteen minutes a night on homework.
He’s so flipping slow.
I say “write your name here” and he takes his sweet time, talking about each letter, telling me a story about why he loves his name, and even about how someone in his class has a three-letter name, so he can write his name super fast. Like Gekko super fast.
He has always been my sweet child who enjoys beautiful things in life.
He is the Ferdinand in our house.
He appreciates the flowers, bees, and the pink and orange hues the sunrise tosses across the sky.
It turns out that it also means he meanders around all tasks. He takes his sweet time, but he always gets it done, as long as we are patient.
My anger will not change that. My rushing him will not change that.
I don’t want to turn him from the happy and peaceful little boy he is into an angry little boy with a short fuse.
So I have to be patient and go at his pace, and when I mess up, I own it.
Apologize When You Need To
You are a human. Your child is a human.
We all make mistakes, and that’s okay.
We don’t have to live in a world where parents are perfect and never make mistakes, because that will lead to feeling like you have to be perfect all the time. It’s not possible.
Remember when I screamed at my son for not eating the breakfast I hand crafted for him and I felt AWFUL?
I owned up to my mistake and I fixed it.
I gave my son a good apology, skipped the excuses, and told him I wanted to do better. Just like I want him to do better.
How can we expect our children to be good people when they grow up if we treat them badly?
They’ll think adults treat others like you treat them, and is that something you want for them?
The best way to avoid triggering your anxiety and lighting the fuse on the dynamite of your anger is to plan ahead.
Figure out how long it takes for your children to do certain tasks, like getting in the car, eating all of their food, or cleaning up the 4,000,000 legos they dump out every morning.
Then allow them a little more time than that when you expect them to perform that task.
What Can I Do Right Now?
Connect With Your Children.
When you’re feeling frustrated about them doing something, ask them “What’s your plan?” you’ll see something you wouldn’t think of.
I was getting frustrated with my son about his homework.
I walked away and decided I was going to let him do it himself.
He kept getting up and walking away from his homework.
Not even a minute would pass and this kid would get up.
Right after I told him to sit down and work on his homework.
I specifically told him to write his name. He’s written it a MILLION times, he KNOWS how to do it, why isn’t he doing it?!
I could feel my anger rising. What is wrong with this kid?!
I took a second and took a breath before talking to him. I was fuming at his insubordinate behavior. How dare he.
Once I took my breath I could see he was genuinely upset because he saw how mad I was getting.
So I asked him what I could do.
Through his tears he said barely over a whisper “I just want you to sit by me”. My heart shattered, and my anger disappeared.
I sat down next to him, ashamed of myself . . . and he wrote his name without me having to ask him at all.
I apologized for getting so frustrated with him.
This story hurts my heart. I hate admitting that I was that person to my child.
Know Your Triggers
Does being late make you crazy?
Understanding and seeing what will make you angry will help you be able to avoid it.
Planning ahead does wonders for avoiding angry outbursts that you’ll end up regretting at the end of the day.
Understand Children Are People Too.
You were a kid once, remember?
This is the best thing I can remind myself of when I’m feeling frustrated. If I’m frustrated, they probably are too.
What can you control in your life?
It’s not your kids.
You can control you, and how you respond to your children.
Have A Few Key Grounding Techniques
No matter how many techniques you put in place to avoid your anger, you will inevitably still get angry at some time in your life, and you’re going to need steps to take or a key technique to calm yourself so you can get out of a bad situation for yourself.
For me, it’s taking some deep breaths, or rubbing my fingers against my thumb.
Anger Management is a Process
You can put all of this plan into your life right now, and still feel angry, or out of control.
This is a process.
It’s unreasonable to expect you’ll be able to implement all of this overnight and be completely “cured” of anger after one day.
Give yourself grace, especially when things are crazy, like they are right now. You can do this.
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